Spoofflé | Satire and spoof news, plus humorous and dark short stories from UK writer Tim Neill

‘You will remember me’

The phone on Dan Benson’s desk rang once and stopped. He drained his coffee mug and scooped up the receiver. ‘Benson’. He already knew who …
Bog Patrol

Steven Collins is a plump, unremarkable, middle-aged man. He lives in a 1930s semi, with a trimmed hedge, neat flower borders and net curtains at …
Inside Information

Winston Trenneman teased the last traces of tumour from the patient, then collapsed. Within the hour, neurosurgeon James Lovatt had raced from home to operate …
The Downing Street Cook

‘Like a favourite aunt’, that’s how people remembered Lizzie Gould. ‘Sweet lady, heart of gold’. For nineteen years Elizabeth Gould worked in the kitchens at …
The Pool

‘The buggers are in our pool again, look.’ He steered his wife to the villa window and stood behind her, arms crossed, anger seething. ‘Every …
The best Pork Stiffado in the world

The tiny island of Stiapos, a crooked finger of rock barely three miles long, lies in the deep azure of the Ionian sea. Too small …
That special courage

A pearl of sweat swung from the tip of his nose, glistening in the early morning rays and dripped onto the brass terminal. He froze …
The Great Escape

It was Boz’s idea to break out of Milton House. Boz who’d slipped a Stanley knife and a screwdriver from the workshop down the back …
Teacher’s pets

Ten treacherous, worn steps led from the quiet Camden backstreet down into the damp gloom of Rose Porter’s basement flat. Decades of garbage lay packed …
Bill Jarvis

In his youth his strength was legendary, some called him the ‘iron man’. Bill Jarvis was the small-time farmer who could lift a calf above …
Sunday

They’d say he was a fine man, a hero. Lucky too. A finger lost at Tobruk, a shard of Panzer shrapnel on a Normandy beach, …
Tea with Aunt Ada

Bill Parson’s hand shook as he stirred a level teaspoon of pesticide into Aunt Ada’s little bowl of Demerara sugar. Her special souvenir pot she …
The Tattoo

He waited until breakfast before telling his wife. As he’d feared, she was livid. ‘Jesus, Gavin … a three day conference in Bangkok and you …
The Coat

Charles Frensham was reading in his study at just after 8pm when the knock came. Three sharp, urgent raps. ‘I’ll get it!’ called his wife, …
The Camera

She tugged the gilt-edged tickets from his hand and spread them across the breakfast table. ‘The Goodwood Revival – lucky you!’ His wife cocked her …
The language student

‘She’s staying for how long?’ A pendulum of yolk swung from her teaspoon, dangling en route to an unsmiling mouth. Her husband struggled to reassure …
The Collector

She woke with a start, jolted from dreams of a better life in a better place and reached to silence the 5.30 alarm. The rays …
A Greek Tragedy

We bade farewell to our conference colleagues and set off for the harbourside apartment we’d rented for the following two weeks. For seven years, Philippa …
A life

Sirens wail in a nearby street as a running man stumbles and collapses in the gutter. A woman’s scream splits the damp night air and …
The Lift

‘Going down?’ asks pinstripe, mischief in his smile. The pretty PA blushes and presses 86. In the greasy darkness two hundred feet above, a rifle …
Breakfast in paradise

They lie awake, her husband cursing the night’s mosquitoes for the livid lumps girdling his belly. ‘Leave them’ she whispers, ‘they’re starting to bleed.’ They …
Together

She bends over the coffin, gently strokes the cold wax forehead with a fingertip. For thirty years he’d loved and cherished her. Other men held …

Tourist to sue taverna who mistook his bagpipes for an octopus

New office chair takes the effort out of standing up

Norwich Cathedral admits helter-skelter ride was ‘inspired by reading Spoofflé’

Shout at a snail and it will eat someone else’s lettuces

Suffolk man finds proof that Mars Bars used to be two feet long

New fridge door guide will reduce wasted food

Wales to have its own time zone: DST (Daylight Shearing Time)

Donald Trump’s custom Twitter keyboard revealed

Trump’s armoured car specially re-equipped for London

Plan to allow future convicts to serve time before they offend

‘Easier’ golf course closes after claims that it’s a death-trap

Village forced to use toilets as polling station after Scout hut burns down

Police admit facial recognition system ‘does not recognise thieves’

New product revealed – another Spoofflé exclusive

Trans-Pennine Express to be re-named to stop passenger confusion

Margate man finds rare Roman coin under son’s sand pit

New drug gives you memories of experiences you never had

GPs to increase time spent with each patient to 2 minutes

Crown Court judge wakes up and asks what ‘texting’ means

Tory whip resigns and apologises for using a real whip on MPs

Taunton Council to tighten staff selection criteria

Sussex man robbed of Atlantic crossing record as ketchup bottle drifts back to the start

Nuclear submarine surfaces to clear plastic waste from periscope

Pet millipede can solve Rubik’s cube in less than a minute

Spare hand touches toilet doors so you don’t have to

Trump claims North Korea’s missiles are ‘just 10 buck fireworks’

Billionaire offers to deflect deadly comet heading for Earth

BBC modifies weather map to stop presenters obscuring Cornwall

Traffic wardens given role of police, fire service, paramedics and vets in remote areas

Simple brain zapper gives older adults the cognitive skills of a 20 year old

Australian toddler attacks crocodile with light sabre to save mother

Royal Navy nuclear submarines to go to a Norfolk Broads holiday firm

Couple find 160 year old coal in cottage they bought

eBay to introduce ‘Tipsy check’ on all purchases made after 10 PM

Isle of Wight votes to use ‘Per’ as the new gender-neutral honorific