Spoof news and satire from Spoofflé - Spoof news and satire, plus humorous and dark short stories from UK writer Tim Neill

‘You will remember me’

The phone on Dan Benson’s desk rang once and stopped. He drained his coffee mug and scooped up the receiver. ‘Benson’. He already knew who …
Bog Patrol

Steven Collins is a plump, unremarkable, middle-aged man. He lives in a 1930s semi, with a trimmed hedge, neat flower borders and net curtains at …
Inside Information

Winston Trenneman teased the last traces of tumour from the patient, then collapsed. Within the hour, neurosurgeon James Lovatt had raced from home to operate …
The Downing Street Cook

‘Like a favourite aunt’, that’s how people remembered Lizzie Gould. ‘Sweet lady, heart of gold’. For nineteen years Elizabeth Gould worked in the kitchens at …
The Pool

‘The buggers are in our pool again, look.’ He steered his wife to the villa window and stood behind her, arms crossed, anger seething. ‘Every …
The best Pork Stiffado in the world

The tiny island of Stiapos, a crooked finger of rock barely three miles long, lies in the deep azure of the Ionian sea. Too small …
That special courage

A pearl of sweat swung from the tip of his nose, glistening in the early morning rays and dripped onto the brass terminal. He froze …
The Great Escape

It was Boz’s idea to break out of Milton House. Boz who’d slipped a Stanley knife and a screwdriver from the workshop down the back …
Teacher’s pets

Ten treacherous, worn steps led from the quiet Camden backstreet down into the damp gloom of Rose Porter’s basement flat. Decades of garbage lay packed …
Bill Jarvis

In his youth his strength was legendary, some called him the ‘iron man’. Bill Jarvis was the small-time farmer who could lift a calf above …
Sunday

They’d say he was a fine man, a hero. Lucky too. A finger lost at Tobruk, a shard of Panzer shrapnel on a Normandy beach, …
Tea with Aunt Ada

Bill Parson’s hand shook as he stirred a level teaspoon of pesticide into Aunt Ada’s little bowl of Demerara sugar. Her special souvenir pot she …
The Tattoo

He waited until breakfast before telling his wife. As he’d feared, she was livid. ‘Jesus, Gavin … a three day conference in Bangkok and you …
The Coat

Charles Frensham was reading in his study at just after 8pm when the knock came. Three sharp, urgent raps. ‘I’ll get it!’ called his wife, …
The Camera

She tugged the gilt-edged tickets from his hand and spread them across the breakfast table. ‘The Goodwood Revival – lucky you!’ His wife cocked her …
The language student

‘She’s staying for how long?’ A pendulum of yolk swung from her teaspoon, dangling en route to an unsmiling mouth. Her husband struggled to reassure …
The Collector

She woke with a start, jolted from dreams of a better life in a better place and reached to silence the 5.30 alarm. The rays …
A Greek Tragedy

We bade farewell to our conference colleagues and set off for the harbourside apartment we’d rented for the following two weeks. For seven years, Philippa …
A life

Sirens wail in a nearby street as a running man stumbles and collapses in the gutter. A woman’s scream splits the damp night air and …
The Lift

‘Going down?’ asks pinstripe, mischief in his smile. The pretty PA blushes and presses 86. In the greasy darkness two hundred feet above, a rifle …
Breakfast in paradise

Breakfast in paradise
Together

She bends over the coffin, gently strokes the cold wax forehead with a fingertip. For thirty years he’d loved and cherished her. Other men held …

Village WI hope poll dancing will bring out voters in spite of bad weather

Fortnum & Mason sells out of left-handed Christmas crackers in 2 days

New ‘Apostrophe Intervention Kit’ will help preserve punctuation standards

M&S suspend AI clothes-fitting technology to ‘make small tweaks’

University forced to allow one-handed clapping after student revolt against ‘jazz hands’

Report warns excess salt poses ‘a serious health risk for the over 95s’

New 99p coin ‘makes 1p coin completely redundant’

Public to be advised how many times food should be chewed

Prisoner awarded £14,000 compensation for late catalogue delivery

New self-defence selfie stick for ‘active oldies’

Trump told Secret Service: “let down British Ambassador’s bike tyres”

Postman attacked by pet budgie blames rise in on-line deliveries

Artist unveils ‘Toilet Orchestra’ at Tate Modern

Villager wins planning battle to keep rescued rhinoceros in back garden

Pope sells Pokemon collection for record £13 million at Sotheby’s

Frustration as Primark sells out of Michael Gove’s £3 shorts

Snails get a safer trail across busiest roads

Police AI system generates suspect photos from a single hair’s DNA

Absent Boris furious after TV debate uses the wrong Homer cut-out

Virgin Trains providing ‘privacy bags’ to avoid speaking to strangers

AI system predicts where leaves will fall onto tracks

Keith Richards’ dog dies at the age of 68

BBC launches free TV channel for the ‘Over 75s’

Asylum scam: “Please help me, I’m a teenager,” said grandfather, 87

Scotland prepares to defend Rockall against illegal Irish fishing

Huawei UK – we are all connected

Corbyn: I took caviar but it was a mistake

New fridge door guide will reduce wasted food

Wales to have its own time zone: DST (Daylight Shearing Time)

Donald Trump’s custom Twitter keyboard revealed

Trump’s armoured car specially re-equipped for London

Plan to allow future convicts to serve time before they offend

‘Easier’ golf course closes after claims that it’s a death-trap

Village forced to use toilets as polling station after Scout hut burns down

Police admit facial recognition system ‘does not recognise thieves’