Spoofflé | Satire and spoof news, plus humorous and dark short stories from UK writer Tim Neill

‘You will remember me’

The phone on Dan Benson’s desk rang once and stopped. He drained his coffee mug and scooped up the receiver. ‘Benson’. He already knew who …
Bog Patrol

Steven Collins is a plump, unremarkable, middle-aged man. He lives in a 1930s semi, with a trimmed hedge, neat flower borders and net curtains at …
Inside Information

Winston Trenneman teased the last traces of tumour from the patient, then collapsed. Within the hour, neurosurgeon James Lovatt had raced from home to operate …
The Downing Street Cook

‘Like a favourite aunt’, that’s how people remembered Lizzie Gould. ‘Sweet lady, heart of gold’. For nineteen years Elizabeth Gould worked in the kitchens at …
The Pool

‘The buggers are in our pool again, look.’ He steered his wife to the villa window and stood behind her, arms crossed, anger seething. ‘Every …
The best Pork Stiffado in the world

The tiny island of Stiapos, a crooked finger of rock barely three miles long, lies in the deep azure of the Ionian sea. Too small …
That special courage

A pearl of sweat swung from the tip of his nose, glistening in the early morning rays and dripped onto the brass terminal. He froze …
The Great Escape

It was Boz’s idea to break out of Milton House. Boz who’d slipped a Stanley knife and a screwdriver from the workshop down the back …
Teacher’s pets

Ten treacherous, worn steps led from the quiet Camden backstreet down into the damp gloom of Rose Porter’s basement flat. Decades of garbage lay packed …
Bill Jarvis

In his youth his strength was legendary, some called him the ‘iron man’. Bill Jarvis was the small-time farmer who could lift a calf above …
Sunday

They’d say he was a fine man, a hero. Lucky too. A finger lost at Tobruk, a shard of Panzer shrapnel on a Normandy beach, …
Tea with Aunt Ada

Bill Parson’s hand shook as he stirred a level teaspoon of pesticide into Aunt Ada’s little bowl of Demerara sugar. Her special souvenir pot she …
The Tattoo

He waited until breakfast before telling his wife. As he’d feared, she was livid. ‘Jesus, Gavin … a three day conference in Bangkok and you …
The Coat

Charles Frensham was reading in his study at just after 8pm when the knock came. Three sharp, urgent raps. ‘I’ll get it!’ called his wife, …
The Camera

She tugged the gilt-edged tickets from his hand and spread them across the breakfast table. ‘The Goodwood Revival – lucky you!’ His wife cocked her …
The language student

‘She’s staying for how long?’ A pendulum of yolk swung from her teaspoon, dangling en route to an unsmiling mouth. Her husband struggled to reassure …
The Collector

She woke with a start, jolted from dreams of a better life in a better place and reached to silence the 5.30 alarm. The rays …
A Greek Tragedy

We bade farewell to our conference colleagues and set off for the harbourside apartment we’d rented for the following two weeks. For seven years, Philippa …
A life

Sirens wail in a nearby street as a running man stumbles and collapses in the gutter. A woman’s scream splits the damp night air and …
The Lift

‘Going down?’ asks pinstripe, mischief in his smile. The pretty PA blushes and presses 86. In the greasy darkness two hundred feet above, a rifle …
Breakfast in paradise

They lie awake, her husband cursing the night’s mosquitoes for the livid lumps girdling his belly. ‘Leave them’ she whispers, ‘they’re starting to bleed.’ They …
Together

She bends over the coffin, gently strokes the cold wax forehead with a fingertip. For thirty years he’d loved and cherished her. Other men held …

Frustration as Primark sells out of Michael Gove’s £3 shorts

Snails get a safer trail across busiest roads

Police AI system generates suspect photos from a single hair’s DNA

Boris furious after TV debate uses the wrong Homer

Virgin Trains providing ‘privacy bags’ to avoid speaking to strangers

Iceland launch Friday night ‘Food Fights’

The master yachtsman

Insurers insist on safer playgrounds or they must close

Government to map the gnomes in all UK gardens

Hydrogen train trials halted after tanks are over-filled

Morrisons launch ‘Fresh-2-You’ food delivery service

Robot trials halted after AI system achieves maximum parking density

Caterham Cars Ltd announce a new model for mature drivers

Aldi launches Oriental-themed dishes to lure Chinese tourists to Scotland

Tesco ridicules customer for thinking the vole in her oats was a mouse

First Trump-branded perfume product approved by Chinese authorities

Outcry after singer suggests people over 30 shouldn’t be able to vote

Man denies he is running a luxury restaurant from his home

Order not to attack Spanish Navy with paintballs arrives too late

Tui offering cut-price Caribbean flights with seats as an upgrade

Putin solves America’s wall stalemate with ‘thank you’ gift to Donald Trump

Police appeal to retired crime fanatics to crack unsolved murders

Lancashire village claims the world’s steepest street

Drone competition suspended after EasyJet plane spotted

Chinese moon landing ‘is a hoax’ claims Gobi farmer

Nike launches first external gastric band

Bank robber avoids prison due to ‘impeccable grammar and courtesy’

Army recruitment ad targets millennial ‘cross-dressers’ for undercover roles

Unemployed sword swallower charged with jewellery thefts

Billionaire offers to build hyper-tunnel at half cost of HS2

Thieves steal Stonehenge pillar and Banksy cartoon

NHS Hospital introduces parking discount card

‘You will remember me’

Simpler chess game launched, aimed at people who voted ‘Leave’

Banksy art appears overnight on Stonehenge monument