Spoofflé - freshly baked satire and alternative news | Satire and alternative news, plus humorous and dark short stories from UK writer Tim Neill

‘You will remember me’ (Worried by the Gatwick drone scare? I wrote …

The phone on Dan Benson’s desk rang once and stopped. He drained his coffee mug and scooped up the receiver. ‘Benson’. He already knew who …
Bog Patrol

Steven Collins is a plump, unremarkable, middle-aged man. He lives in a 1930s semi, with a trimmed hedge, neat flower borders and net curtains at …
Inside Information

Winston Trenneman teased the last traces of tumour from the patient, then collapsed. Within the hour, neurosurgeon James Lovatt had raced from home to operate …
The Downing Street Cook

‘Like a favourite aunt’, that’s how people remembered Lizzie Gould. ‘Sweet lady, heart of gold she had’. For nineteen years Elizabeth Gould had worked in …
The Pool

‘The buggers are in our pool again, look.’ He steered his wife to the villa window and stood behind her, arms crossed, anger seething. ‘Every …
The best Pork Stiffado in the world

The tiny island of Stiapos, a crooked finger of rock barely three miles long, lies in the deep azure of the Ionian sea. Too small …
That special courage

A pearl of sweat swung from the tip of his nose, glistening in the early morning rays and dripped onto the brass terminal. He froze …
The Great Escape

It was Boz’s idea to break out of Milton House. Boz who’d slipped a Stanley knife and a screwdriver from the workshop down the back …
Teacher’s pets

Ten treacherous, worn steps led from the quiet Camden backstreet down into the damp gloom of Rose Porter’s basement flat. Decades of garbage lay packed …
Bill Jarvis

In his youth his strength was legendary, some called him the ‘iron man’. Bill Jarvis was the small-time farmer who could lift a calf above …
Sunday

They’d say he was a fine man, a hero. Lucky too. A finger lost at Tobruk, a shard of Panzer shrapnel on a Normandy beach, …
Tea with Aunt Ada

Bill Parson’s hand shook as he stirred a level teaspoon of pesticide into Aunt Ada’s little bowl of Demerara sugar. Her special souvenir pot she …
The Tattoo

He waited until breakfast before telling his wife. As he’d feared, she was livid. ‘Jesus, Gavin … a three day conference in Bangkok and you …
The Coat

Charles Frensham was reading in his study at just after 8pm when the knock came. Three sharp, urgent raps. ‘I’ll get it!’ called his wife, …
The Camera

She tugged the gilt-edged tickets from his hand and spread them across the breakfast table. ‘The Goodwood Revival – lucky you!’ His wife cocked her …
The language student

‘She’s staying for how long?’ A pendulum of yolk swung from her teaspoon, dangling en route to an unsmiling mouth. Her husband struggled to reassure …
The Collector

She woke with a start, jolted from dreams of a better life in a better place and reached to silence the 5.30 alarm. The rays …
A Greek Tragedy

We bade farewell to our conference colleagues and set off for the harbourside apartment we’d rented for the following two weeks. For seven years, Philippa …
A life

Sirens wail in a nearby street as a running man stumbles and collapses in the gutter. A woman’s scream splits the damp night air and …
The Lift

‘Going down?’ asks pinstripe, mischief in his smile. The pretty PA blushes and presses 86. In the greasy darkness two hundred feet above, a rifle …
Breakfast in paradise

They lie awake, her husband cursing the night’s mosquitoes for the livid lumps girdling his belly. ‘Leave them’ she whispers, ‘they’re starting to bleed.’ They …
Together

She bends over the coffin, gently strokes the cold wax forehead with a fingertip. For thirty years he’d loved and cherished her. Other men held …

BBC modifies weather map to stop presenters obscuring Cornwall

Traffic wardens given role of police, fire service, paramedics and vets in remote areas

Simple brain zapper gives older adults the cognitive skills of a 20 year old

Australian toddler attacks crocodile with light sabre to save mother

Royal Navy nuclear submarines to go to a Norfolk Broads holiday firm

Lollipop lady uses Police ‘stinger’ to stop reckless drivers

Parrot can recite the value of Pi to 535 places

‘Fit-Buddie’ adds steps even while you sleep

New! Luxury brand packaging for waste bin ‘signallers’

Lego launches UK starter-home kit for £9,975

Exclusive: Petula Clark to headline Glastonbury 2019

Aldi launches luxury Brussels sprouts filled with caviar

Illegal fishing boat marooned with no water after shooting Albatross

Kim Jong-un admits that he cuts his own hair

Amateur astronomer discovers unidentified object accelerating towards Earth

Suffolk woman sets World record for 1,983 mile non-stop swim around village pond

Police raid Leeds money laundering shop and seize dirty notes

Ex-soldier rescued from cliffs after flock of lambs attacked him

Met Police to sell branded clothes and useful security accessories

Ecuadorian embassy orders Julian Assange to surrender his trombone

Modelmaker still has no idea how he trapped himself in a bottle

New Trabant e-car runs on AA batteries

Prisoner cancels Tesco order after third late drone delivery

Top chef loses his Michelin star down the toilet

Crow builds compound tool to reach food

New mouthpiece enables women with pouty lips to blow into breathalysers

Tunbrige Wells council apologises for sign

Norland nannies to be trained by the SAS

Single locust strips apple tree bare in six minutes

Lecturer jailed for picking mushrooms in Regent’s Park

12 year old girl reaches 12,000 feet with home-made rocket

New shoe emits deafening screech if forced on with laces tied

Nigerian prince leaves £16.2 million in cash on Cardiff woman’s doorstep

Burglar awarded £13,000 damages for victim’s hate crime abuse

Ronnie Kray’s pressed flower collection fetches £14,000 at auction