Spoofflé | Satire and spoof news, plus humorous and dark short stories from UK writer Tim Neill

‘You will remember me’

The phone on Dan Benson’s desk rang once and stopped. He drained his coffee mug and scooped up the receiver. ‘Benson’. He already knew who …
Bog Patrol

Steven Collins is a plump, unremarkable, middle-aged man. He lives in a 1930s semi, with a trimmed hedge, neat flower borders and net curtains at …
Inside Information

Winston Trenneman teased the last traces of tumour from the patient, then collapsed. Within the hour, neurosurgeon James Lovatt had raced from home to operate …
The Downing Street Cook

‘Like a favourite aunt’, that’s how people remembered Lizzie Gould. ‘Sweet lady, heart of gold’. For nineteen years Elizabeth Gould worked in the kitchens at …
The Pool

‘The buggers are in our pool again, look.’ He steered his wife to the villa window and stood behind her, arms crossed, anger seething. ‘Every …
The best Pork Stiffado in the world

The tiny island of Stiapos, a crooked finger of rock barely three miles long, lies in the deep azure of the Ionian sea. Too small …
That special courage

A pearl of sweat swung from the tip of his nose, glistening in the early morning rays and dripped onto the brass terminal. He froze …
The Great Escape

It was Boz’s idea to break out of Milton House. Boz who’d slipped a Stanley knife and a screwdriver from the workshop down the back …
Teacher’s pets

Ten treacherous, worn steps led from the quiet Camden backstreet down into the damp gloom of Rose Porter’s basement flat. Decades of garbage lay packed …
Bill Jarvis

In his youth his strength was legendary, some called him the ‘iron man’. Bill Jarvis was the small-time farmer who could lift a calf above …
Sunday

They’d say he was a fine man, a hero. Lucky too. A finger lost at Tobruk, a shard of Panzer shrapnel on a Normandy beach, …
Tea with Aunt Ada

Bill Parson’s hand shook as he stirred a level teaspoon of pesticide into Aunt Ada’s little bowl of Demerara sugar. Her special souvenir pot she …
The Tattoo

He waited until breakfast before telling his wife. As he’d feared, she was livid. ‘Jesus, Gavin … a three day conference in Bangkok and you …
The Coat

Charles Frensham was reading in his study at just after 8pm when the knock came. Three sharp, urgent raps. ‘I’ll get it!’ called his wife, …
The Camera

She tugged the gilt-edged tickets from his hand and spread them across the breakfast table. ‘The Goodwood Revival – lucky you!’ His wife cocked her …
The language student

‘She’s staying for how long?’ A pendulum of yolk swung from her teaspoon, dangling en route to an unsmiling mouth. Her husband struggled to reassure …
The Collector

She woke with a start, jolted from dreams of a better life in a better place and reached to silence the 5.30 alarm. The rays …
A Greek Tragedy

We bade farewell to our conference colleagues and set off for the harbourside apartment we’d rented for the following two weeks. For seven years, Philippa …
A life

Sirens wail in a nearby street as a running man stumbles and collapses in the gutter. A woman’s scream splits the damp night air and …
The Lift

‘Going down?’ asks pinstripe, mischief in his smile. The pretty PA blushes and presses 86. In the greasy darkness two hundred feet above, a rifle …
Breakfast in paradise

They lie awake, her husband cursing the night’s mosquitoes for the livid lumps girdling his belly. ‘Leave them’ she whispers, ‘they’re starting to bleed.’ They …
Together

She bends over the coffin, gently strokes the cold wax forehead with a fingertip. For thirty years he’d loved and cherished her. Other men held …

Frustration as Primark sells out of Michael Gove’s £3 shorts

Snails get a safer trail across busiest roads

Police AI system generates suspect photos from a single hair’s DNA

Boris furious after TV debate uses the wrong Homer

Virgin Trains providing ‘privacy bags’ to avoid speaking to strangers

Five year olds receiving lessons on sarcasm

B&Q slash price of home snow-maker to £49.99

Trump: Mexico wall could now be ‘a very deep trench’

Suffolk man smashes one-footed world record for Rubik’s cube

Slow motion video replay system installed in House of Commons

Bank robber in horse mask not challenged ‘because it might have offended him’

British company launches Methane capture system for cows

2021 Census to include questions on gender of pets

Dog dials 999 and saves grandpa trapped in old mine

Glasgow butcher sells out of turkeys stuffed with Mars bars in 50 minutes

Gloucestershire village Christmas lights visible from space

Larry returns to No. 10 after receiving ‘reassurances’ on back flap arrangement

Report finds super rich are ‘unaware of inflation’

Report condemns Olympics for being ‘elitist’

Downing Street cat leaves after mouse ‘backflap’ deal collapses

Prisoner sues home office for lack of respect

Man’s obsession with building high speed model railway bankrupts family

O2 admits it hasn’t yet tried switching failing system off and on again

Dorset woman angry at not making Turner Prize shortlist for 34th time

Sussex man attempts first Atlantic crossing in a ketchup bottle

£5,000 limit set on Christmas gifts for teachers

MP ‘had no idea’ son was a drug dealer

Cleaner finds John Bercow’s advent calendar with windows torn open on Dec 2nd

Tesco using ‘tactical contact’ ramming to bring down shoplifters

Monk criticises monastery over ‘cruel’ punishment for talking too much

Donald Trump says genetic engineering is ‘really simple’

British scientists discover a new, highly unpredictable element

Asda’s ‘Kenny the Cabbage’ toy causes angry queues in Manchester

New dating agency matches the wily with the wealthy

33kg rat caught by Blackpool landlady