Spoof news and satire from Spoofflé - Spoof news and satire, plus humorous and dark short stories from UK writer Tim Neill

‘You will remember me’

The phone on Dan Benson’s desk rang once and stopped. He drained his coffee mug and scooped up the receiver. ‘Benson’. He already knew who …
Bog Patrol

Steven Collins is a plump, unremarkable, middle-aged man. He lives in a 1930s semi, with a trimmed hedge, neat flower borders and net curtains at …
Inside Information

Winston Trenneman teased the last traces of tumour from the patient, then collapsed. Within the hour, neurosurgeon James Lovatt had raced from home to operate …
The Downing Street Cook

‘Like a favourite aunt’, that’s how people remembered Lizzie Gould. ‘Sweet lady, heart of gold’. For nineteen years Elizabeth Gould worked in the kitchens at …
The Pool

‘The buggers are in our pool again, look.’ He steered his wife to the villa window and stood behind her, arms crossed, anger seething. ‘Every …
The best Pork Stiffado in the world

The tiny island of Stiapos, a crooked finger of rock barely three miles long, lies in the deep azure of the Ionian sea. Too small …
That special courage

A pearl of sweat swung from the tip of his nose, glistening in the early morning rays and dripped onto the brass terminal. He froze …
The Great Escape

It was Boz’s idea to break out of Milton House. Boz who’d slipped a Stanley knife and a screwdriver from the workshop down the back …
Teacher’s pets

Ten treacherous, worn steps led from the quiet Camden backstreet down into the damp gloom of Rose Porter’s basement flat. Decades of garbage lay packed …
Bill Jarvis

In his youth his strength was legendary, some called him the ‘iron man’. Bill Jarvis was the small-time farmer who could lift a calf above …
Sunday

They’d say he was a fine man, a hero. Lucky too. A finger lost at Tobruk, a shard of Panzer shrapnel on a Normandy beach, …
Tea with Aunt Ada

Bill Parson’s hand shook as he stirred a level teaspoon of pesticide into Aunt Ada’s little bowl of Demerara sugar. Her special souvenir pot she …
The Tattoo

He waited until breakfast before telling his wife. As he’d feared, she was livid. ‘Jesus, Gavin … a three day conference in Bangkok and you …
The Coat

Charles Frensham was reading in his study at just after 8pm when the knock came. Three sharp, urgent raps. ‘I’ll get it!’ called his wife, …
The Camera

She tugged the gilt-edged tickets from his hand and spread them across the breakfast table. ‘The Goodwood Revival – lucky you!’ His wife cocked her …
The language student

‘She’s staying for how long?’ A pendulum of yolk swung from her teaspoon, dangling en route to an unsmiling mouth. Her husband struggled to reassure …
The Collector

She woke with a start, jolted from dreams of a better life in a better place and reached to silence the 5.30 alarm. The rays …
A Greek Tragedy

We bade farewell to our conference colleagues and set off for the harbourside apartment we’d rented for the following two weeks. For seven years, Philippa …
A life

Sirens wail in a nearby street as a running man stumbles and collapses in the gutter. A woman’s scream splits the damp night air and …
The Lift

‘Going down?’ asks pinstripe, mischief in his smile. The pretty PA blushes and presses 86. In the greasy darkness two hundred feet above, a rifle …
Breakfast in paradise

Breakfast in paradise
Together

She bends over the coffin, gently strokes the cold wax forehead with a fingertip. For thirty years he’d loved and cherished her. Other men held …

Revealed: Jeremy Corbyn’s ‘Letter of last resort’ to nuclear sub captains

ASDA launches clearer food nutrition labels

Greta Thunberg fired safely across Atlantic from giant catapult

Man leaves £6 million Wurlitzer organ on a train

Disgraced MP claims: ‘I thought rogue bathroom salesmen were just party-loving cocaine dealers’

Tesco’s new low cost ‘Jack’s Stores’ offering MRI scanners at £39.99

‘Leave’ voters disappointed at not experiencing an ‘erotic spasm’

Iceland launches new low cost cryonics service

New health app aimed at people with nothing wrong with them

Theresa May admits smashing ministers’ iphones on cabinet table leg

Thomas Cook launches 18 minute ‘micro tours’ for busy Russian tourists

iphone app corrects irritating dialects

Spoofflé banned in China

Metropolitan Police recruiting retired officers up to age 85

NHS may use veterinary surgeries for minor A&E treatment

People over 65 can now drink safely every day according to new guidelines

Suffolk man ‘100% self-sufficient’ with energy from old bananas

Study shows older men shrink half an inch during summer

Donald Trump’s fourteenth food taster dies

Your science questions answered: ‘Why are spiders leaving a mess on my front door?’

Labour Party still bickering over full definition of anti-cementism

Police smash pensioner drug ring and arrest ‘Mrs Big’

Future of HS2 in doubt as endangered beetle found on all proposed routes

Kim Jong-un ‘beat Donald Trump at arm wrestling’ during private meeting

French fishermen hurled ‘lethal’ croque monsieurs in channel scallop clash

Town scrambles RAF to hunt down ‘evil, abusive para-glider’

Sooty to make keynote speech at Labour Party autumn conference

Airline passengers to be charged by their size, says leaked proposal

Cambridge scientists create the world’s first four-legged chicken

Burglar tied up by Boy Scouts freed by Fire Service after 7 hours

Found after 62 years: Head Teacher’s letter to parents of Donald Trump (age 10)

Picky seagulls snapped eating only genuine Cornish pasties

Amazon announces ‘Hey you!’, a digital assistant for adults that adapts to your mood

Five year old boy scoops 13 GCSEs at Grade 9

London installs first green, solo outdoor toilets