President Trump’s first day in office (written the night before he was elected US president in 2017)

‘Welcome to the White House, Mr President. I’m Denis McDonough, Chief of Staff’.

‘Fabulous, fabulous, we gotta a lot to get through today Denny baby – gonna make our country GREAT again, right? Make … it … GREAT … again. You won’t believe how great it’s gonna be. It’s gonna be so beautiful you won’t believe it!’

‘Yes sir.’

‘So wotcha got for me, Denny? Shoot some pool, maybe fit in nine holes before lunch? There’s a little lobster place on third avenue I thought we’d head out to.’

‘No sir, there’s a National Security Council meeting about to start, just through here, if you’d just follow me please. The team is waiting.’

‘Morning guys! Are we gonna make America GREAT again or what?’

‘Good morning, Mr President – John Kerry, Secretary of State.’

‘Hi, Johnny. You, uh, you do all that foreign stuff, right?

‘Er, yes Mr President, one might put it that way.’

‘Well, I aint gonna need you no more because Ivana’s takin’ over that job! She’s gonna be beautiful at it, just beautiful. And she speaks all those crazy languages they have in Europe. She’s my Check mate – geddit?’

‘Mr President, we need to get down to business and our agenda starts with …’

‘Screw that Denny, I brought my own agenda! I had my people type it up last night – just pass it round, would ya?’

‘OK, item one – this place is ugly, just plain ugly, isn’t it? All white, curvy and those old fashioned columns. We’re gonna knock it all down and build ‘The Trump House’ – 83 floors and covered in gold! Yeah – you heard me, gold! It’s gonna be so beautiful you wouldn’t believe it! G-O-L-D!’

‘OK, OK, pay attention now! Hey, hang on, we’re all guys in here, right? No chicks? We gotta fix that, get some babes in, get a bit of action, right Johnny? That Mrs Murky from Austria or somewhere, she likes a little squeeze, don’t she? Ever try that Johnny, it’s the only way to get what you want from women and you know something else? They never complain, never do, they love it!’

‘Mr President, we need to discuss China’s military capabilities in …’

‘Screw China! I read someplace they cut down all their goddam trees to make chop sticks and now they’ve got nothing to eat with! They’re called forks, China! Forks! Duh!

Who needs China anyhow? Just noodles and pandas everywhere. Cos we’re gonna make America GREAT again, aren’t we guys?’

‘But Mr President, China is the world’s second largest economy, we import a vast array of essential products from them, just about all of our technology components, so if stop …’

‘Yardie, yardie, yardie … we’re gonna cut that all off, right? Bring back all those jobs to our factories, keep out all the foreigners and their dirty little habits and stupid languages. Trust me folks, it’s gonna be beautiful. What’s it gonna be John Kelly? Uh?’

‘Kenny, Mr President, the name is Kenny.’

‘Yeah, yeah, whatever. But it’s all gonna be what, Kelly …?

‘Beautiful, Mr President.’

‘Absolutely beautiful, so beautiful you wouldn’t believe it. Now, listen up, item two on my agenda for making America GREAT again! We’re gonna build a WALL!

‘But you must know that Mexico won’t like that Mr President and …’

‘Screw Mexico! I’m talking about a REAL wall here, we are going to build a wall right around America, 15,000 miles of beautiful, American wall! American bricks, American labour, 100 feet high and you know what guys, it’s gonna have a tactile nuclear deterrent every 100 miles to keep ‘em all out! This wall is going to be so beautiful, just beautiful! Keep out all the muslins, the frogs, the honalulans, everyone, especially if they’ve got a Mohamad, or a Marjoram or a Hilary in their name. Our guys can do that right, check their passports and stuff like that?’

‘But Mr President, that’s just not practical. I mean, what message would it send to the world?’

‘A damn strong message, that’s what! If England can build a big wall with their Bricksit project to keep out the foreigners, hell, we can do it too!’

‘I think you mean ‘Brexit’ Mr President? The UK voted to leave the EU. It’s not a wall. In any case, the UK is an island, surrounded by water.’

‘Yea, OK, OK, I’m new here. So it’s not a wall. We’ll be first to build a wall then! I love being first! I’m always first! And England’s NOT joined up to those other foreign countries, like Dutchland and eSpaniel?’

‘No sir, it’s not.’

‘Jesus, things have changed since I was in third grade!’

‘Mr President – we must discuss the problems with Syria. The situation is now critical.’

‘Hey – you telling ME there’s a problem? Jesus, I speak into the goddam thing every morning but it never tells me what I wanna know! Goddam useless! I’m suing Apple.’

‘Not SIRI, Mr President, Syria. The country?’

‘Oh yeah. Yeah. Vlad called me last night to congratulate me. He’s looking after all that military stuff out there, so we don’t need to worry about it no more. Hey – I like that guy!’

‘But Russia is bombing innocent civilians in Aleppo Mr President and they’ve now moved a sizeable fleet into the Med. We can’t just stand back and watch.’

‘Hey – I’m OK with that, Kelly, anyhoo, Vlad says it’ll all be over by Christmas. We should trust that guy. Anyway, I kinda have a soft spot for that regime, you know? Been boning up on Russian history in the limo over here, read about that Lennon guy who started communityism in Liverpool back in the Sixties. Cool guy.’

‘Mr President? Sir? You dropped your pen, here, I’ll get it Sir …’

‘No, no it’s OK Kelly, have to do SOME things for myself – the President can reach it – little tiny hands but beautiful long arms, from my mother, see? Nearly got it, just reaching down …’

‘Oh Mr President! Oh my god, your hair, it’s, it’s …’

‘What’s a matter, Kelly, never seen a rug before? Goddam Velcro, ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. Foreign crap – I’m gonna ban all Velcro from tomorrow! There, is that straight?’

‘Yes sir.’

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