China returns second US underwater spy drone in 1,200 pieces

Spoofflé this morning received news that China has finally returned the second US Navy underwater surveillance drone that disappeared mysteriously in the South China Sea in December 2016.

A mole at the the US Embassy in Beiijing emailed us the following transcript of yesterday’s high-level meeting. We are reprinting the recorded conversation verbatim:

‘Mr Ambassador, so sorry to stir you. The Chinese Foreign Secretary is here to see you.’

‘Thank you Miss Wok, send him in.’

‘Good morning My Li Chee. Please, take a seat, here, under Mr Lincoln’s portrait, near that flower vase.’

‘Thank you Mr Ambassador, but why you call? You have Taylor Swift tickets?’

‘Er, no, no, not yet, I’m working on it. It’s about our drone.’

‘We give back!’

‘Yes, that is true Mr Li Chee, you did return our drone yesterday. But there is a problem.’

‘Problem? What problem?’ It no work no more?’

‘Our engineers tell me that it was delivered in 1,247 pieces. How do you explain this?’

‘That Amazon fault! No trust them no more, even break vibrating Elvis doll I order wife for Christmas!’

‘Mr Li Chee – your Government gave the USA a solemn undertaking NOT to dis-assemble, tamper or investigate our drone in any way. Here, I have the document. So how do you explain its return in so many pieces? Mmmm?’

‘Maybe not all fit in one box, eh? Yeah – that it!’

‘So I have your solemn word that Chinese engineers did NOT examine the device in any way or take the drone apart to find out how it works?’

‘Solemn word. Scout honour. We not touch, all in one lump when we send Wan King Post Office. Honest.’

‘Then why were the 1,247 pieces each labeled with a bar code and wrapped in red tissue paper?’

‘Maybe post office drop drone on floor and break it? Yeah, that it! Then not tell Government and all be shot, so they pick up bits and wrap up neat. Yeah – that what happen! You no believe?’

‘And the nuclear fuel cell, why is that still missing?’

‘It not in package?’

‘No.’

‘Ah yeah … we give that back next week. We not find right spanner yet.’

‘So you did take it apart!’

‘It tick.’

‘What?’

‘We think it bomb, like trick drone so yeah, we have tiny look. Just quick peep.’

‘OK, Mr Li Chee, now we are getting to the truth. And for that, I thank you.’

‘But we NOT take 3D photos, do CT scan or make 431 detail drawings. No. I give word Mr Ambassador.’

‘Not even a quick X-Ray?’

‘Not even do X-Ray. They not see inside so good.’

‘Alright Mr Li Chee. I believe you.’

‘Please –I am ‘Li’ to you.’

‘Yes, I know you are. But we have to maintain good relations in these times of great change.’

‘But President Trump he tweet ‘Keep drone, not want back!’

‘I don’t wish to discuss that man.’

‘OK. So, no Taylor Swift tickets? You have ticket Stevie Nicks concert at So Well Hung arena next month?

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