An investigation by Spoofflé has uncovered an astonishing Government plan to dismantle and store Nelson’s statue and its 98 foot column as a precaution against possible violent social unrest after March 29.
Our researchers spotted an invitation to tender in last month’s issue of ‘Undertakers’ Gazette’ for a 116 feet long, 22 feet wide coffin to collect a ‘sizeable body’, if required, from an address near Trafalgar Square.
Maurice Trevelyan, owner of the Epsom family undertakers Horizontal Sendoffs Ltd, told us: ‘Well, we were very interested to begin with although they wouldn’t tell us anything about the deceased, I mean, who wouldn’t be? We don’t get our hands on many customers that tall.’
However, Mr Trevelyan withdrew his bid on learning that his company would also have to handle and relocate the 2,489 tonne person. ‘We just don’t have that sort of kit, about 30 stone is our limit. All I can tell you is that whoever wins this job has to deliver the body to a top secret storage unit at 34 Alton Road, Sutton.’