People may now print their own bank notes

In a move that has shocked the City, Kwasi Kwarteng today announced that every UK resident over the age of 16 may legally print their own bank notes.

Fifty pound note from the Bank of Kyle and Amy Brysdon

Speaking to Spoofflé at the Tory party conference, Mr Kwarteng told us: “Everyone knows we face the greatest fiscal burden since 1972 and this great idea seemed to Liz and me to be a brilliant solution. We’re actually amazed nobody has thought of it before.”

Bognor-based IT engineer Kyle Brydon and his wife Amy were quick off the mark. “We’ve only been printing our £50 notes for a couple of days but I reckon we’ll easily have ten million pounds by next Tuesday, as long as the printer holds up.”

The couple, both 33, plan to sell up and move to Florida. We asked Kyle if he had met any resistance to his bank notes from local shops. “Why should they query them?” he said. “Look, this is 2022! If I say our £50 note is worth £50, then it is. End of.”