Traffic Wardens may be deployed at High Street stores to handle possible civil unrest arising from a no-deal Brexit.
An elite unit has been formed comprising 400 ‘Civil Enforcement Officers’ as they are now known, selected from Local Authorities across the UK. The teams, who have been training alongside regular army units at their base near Salisbury, may be needed to keep the peace amongst shoppers in the days and weeks after March 29 2019.
The plan, codenamed ‘Avarice’, was leaked to Spoofflé last night in a confidential email dated November 3rd and addressed to Theresa May’s Brexit team.
In the seven page document the threat of panic food stockpiling is considered to pose a serious risk. ‘In particular,’ the plan says, ‘the teams must ensure that high value, essential foodstuffs imported from Europe are rationed appropriately to minimise shortfalls and the ensuing middle-class discontent.’ The basic products listed as being at highest risk include Valdobbiadene Prosecco, organic Camembert and hand-dived Normandy scallops.
The planners propose that: ‘Teams would be located initially at checkouts in Waitrose and Marks & Spencers to ensure that customers buy only one item of each product. Standby units would be on call to relocate by army helicopter to Aldi, Lidl and Iceland if shoppers start seeking alternative sources for their basics.’
The authors of the plan believe that ‘Traffic Wardens’, with their skills and experience in defusing angry encounters, would be perfectly suited to the role including, if necessary, the use of physical restraint with the optional discharge of a Taser, as well as product confiscation.
The Avarice scheme where traffic wardens are bought in to C.EO units to support the poor overworked security persons in todays supermarkets is a long awaited procedure
For far too long the S.P.s have been expected to carry out their arduous task with very little support.
Armed only with a high viz jacket , size 14 steel toe cap boots and an ear piece with black ping pong ball style microphone. They are required to take on their duty of finding lost toddlers, pensioners racing in aisles on their electric scooters and the occasional old lady trying to sneak out with a frozen turkey stuffed down the leg of her knickers !
Other equipment considered standard issue is a pair of dark glasses so you can’t see where they are looking and of course a key ring on a long chain. On the ring will invariably be a key to lock up all the trolleys at night to stop joyriders, a key to the staff rest room, a key to the cctv viewing room and a key to the baby changing room. It is unfortunate that this facillity has to be kept locked but has been found that it is a favourite place for wineoes to go to sleep on the pull down trays designed to incorporate a small child and a packet of Snugglies. With enough White Lightning they can sleep anywhere! Last but certainly not least there will be a key for the rear entrance to the ladies fitting room This is so that they can nip in and shout “You’re bloody nicked darling ” when they spot a felony occurring. This can consist of anything including wearing 14 jumpers, trying to stuff several pairs of socks into the front of their bra or even trying to conceal the latest model winter coat down the front of their thong.
They’re loud shout technique also gives them a chance to practice their C.P.R . training and possible use the defibrillator from the first aid department providing it hasn’t been used to jump start the forklift!
Of course when Brexit comes in there will be trouble at the checkouts not just with people buying more than their fair share of luxury goods but with the rush of shoppers stocking up with the more vital things of everyday life like rubber goods and double softness toilet rolls.
The S.P.s will be unable to control this extra work so traffic wardens from the C.E.O will be the ideal men to step in to the breach. With their softly softly approach, their people handling skills and of course their tasers they should be ideal. If this doesn’t work rumour has it Boris has some water cannons.