Trump asks: ‘Why are we not using Healium to treat coronavirus?’

President Trump today stunned attendees at a White House press conference when he turned to Dr Anthony Fauci and demanded to know why ‘healium’ wasn’t being used to treat the country’s coronavirus patients.

“I mean, like it’s there, and with a name like that, staring us in the goddam face,” said Trump. “It’s crazy we’re not using this stuff, simply crazy! It’s in the science books, lots of books, I’ve read them, all of them, by clever guys from history like Leonardo de Caprio and Coppernickuss.”

Dr Fauci was seen to bury his head in his hands as the president continued.

“I mean, these people, clever people, lots of them, really knew what they were doing when they came up with names for chemicals, like hydrogen for the bomb because that stuff really explodes and what d’you know, they called a gas healium because it damn well cures people, lots of people. Will it work? Who knows, maybe, we’ll see.”