Virus rejects Trump’s body as ‘unbearable host’

White House doctors treating Donald Trump have reported that only four days after his positive diagnosis, the coronavirus had almost totally disappeared from his system.

Dr Gaynor P Spetsicci told Spoofflé that the cocktail of experimental drugs he was receiving could not have accounted for the remarkable flight of the virus.

“After only 36 hours, the virus was literally pouring out of him,” she said, adding that blood samples from the president were found to contain large quantities of an extremely uncommon protein called bullium arrogancia.

“It’s a very, very rare protein,” she said, “in fact, it’s the first case any of us has seen in our entire medical careers. It’s as if the virus rapidly discovered he was a thoroughly unbearable host, an unpleasant and hostile environment in which to multiply. So they just upped sticks and fled.”

We asked Dr Spetsicci if it might be possible to manufacture the bullium arrogancia protein and treat every coronavirus patient. “Oh no,” she said. “I don’t think anyone would tolerate that stuff, not after they find out where it came from.”